I didn't love being a newborn mum.
That might sound bizarre coming from a newborn photographer, but hear me out.
Having a newborn is hard. When my first baby was born, I really didn't enjoy the first few months. I'd wanted this more than anything, it was everything I'd ever hoped for, what we'd spent two years working towards and longing for, and I loved it (and him) more than my life. I just didn't really enjoy it.
My nipples were practically falling to pieces, they were so cracked and bleeding. Tiredness wasn't just a side effect of my life, it WAS my life. Some wonderful friends would offer to help clean my house or do other errands, and honestly, I didn't really even care about those things - the ONLY thing I could think about was when I'd next get some sleep.
My baby was only happy when he was being bounced in a baby hammock. When I say bounced, I don't mean gentle baby rocking, I mean nearly getting air at the top of each bounce. My lovely mother-in-law would come around and offer to take over the bouncing for a while, and he would instantly start screaming - her loving, gentle bouncing did NOT cut it!
(Totally angelic, right?! ⬆️ The hammock was magical! The non-hammock moments less so...)
Eventually we worked out he had reflux, a dairy intolerance, and a tongue tie and upper lip tie, but the discovery of these things only came about through the support of family and listening to my own intuition - we were let down by almost all the professionals we dealt with, who assured me it was normal and babies cry a lot. Meanwhile he was plummeting down the growth curve like it was a giant playground slide, his spewing and pooing was next level, he wasn't sleeping more than 3-4 hours out of every 24, and we wondered if life would ever feel manageable again.
And yet...
I'd never loved someone so much. It's totally cliche, but I'd look at him and my heart would nearly burst with love.
In amongst the exhaustion were moments of total perfection. The soft, snuggly warmth of him pressed against my chest. His baby soft hair brushing against my lips. The feeling of awe that this little human being was part of our family, was our responsibility to love and look after, even though we felt so inexperienced and unprepared.
I love that my photos help me remember the beautiful things about that stage.
The exhaustion and the feeling of being out of my depth, they have faded to distant memories and the odd conversation. But the way it felt to hold him, the overwhelming love that I felt - with the help of my photos, those are things that I can FEEL, not just remember.
For most people, life with a newborn is a whole new world of challenges and exhaustion, and overpowering love. When you are in the thick of it, sometimes it's hard to focus on the moments of perfection.
That's why photos are so important. If you can just capture a little glimpse of why it is all worthwhile, why that stage is so precious - then when you look back, that's what you'll be able to remember.
Love isn't always easy, sometimes it's the hardest thing you'll ever do - but it's always worth it.
(See, sometimes they were perfect and peaceful! My 3 babies. I’d nearly go back there again when I look at these. ❤️)
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